pain and gain
How I Rate Movies!
Ever wondered where my numerical critique comes from? Wonder no more! I’ll break it down for you guys for future reference (with examples)
I base my rating off several criteria. Being that I’m somewhat technically inclined, camera work and effects play a big part in my reviews when it comes to ratings. Cinematography or lack thereof can make or break a flick on the meter. Likewise, if the movie’s story lacks in theme or power, and I lose interest, it drops down the peg board. I’ll give any movie the benefit of the doubt…if I know that I’m about to watch a Michael Bay film, I do honestly try my best to forget all the blasphemous work he’s given me prior. At the same time, if 10 minutes into I see all the flaws and errs I see in someone’s previous work, I don’t let it slide. I base my ratings on aesthetics, camera work, effects, story, plot development, character depth, theme, and dialogue. If a movie lacks in any of these areas, I drop its rating.
If any flick finds itself landing at a 10 on the meter, that means it’s a big fuckin deal to me. This is the kind of movie that on it’s release day I buy the Blu Ray/DVD/Ultraviolet combo at 24.99 AND the standard DVD, just because I need both cases in my DVD collection. It’s one of those movies that I’m telling everyone I know that if they don’t see it our friendship will be in jeopardy. It’s the kind of movie that I watch so many times I can recite it verbatim and never gets old. 10/10 means that story, characters, dialogue, aesthetics and camera work all align in perfect harmony.
Clearly if a movie lands on a 9, it’s the bee’s knees. Most likely there was one or two little hiccups along the ride that knocked it down a tad. Example: I’m watching Star Wars Return of the Jedi and I’m flipping out the entire time at how amazingly epic and badass it is, and then we get to the end and Hayden Christensen pops up CGI’d into the ending…NO! Damnit why!?! Had lucas left it, I’d have given it the 10 it deserved. It’s that situation where I feel in my heart I should give it a 10, but know in my mind that it only deserved a 9.
When something gets an 8, that I liked it enough that I am talking about it with all my friends, will probably buy it the day it comes out on DVD but found 3-5 little qualms with it. For instance, I loved “The Butler”, A LOT! However, Oprah is not my favorite and though she had blips of decent acting I felt like someone better could have been cast. Was the movie still totally awesome? Totes! I just didn’t enjoy that one aspect of the movie.
Here’s where we slip from the amazing to the “yeah, it was good” but nothing more than good. A movie will find itself at a 7 on the meter if it was a good movie, but nothing more than a “good” movie. It’s the kind of flick where I leave the theater, look at my girl (who isn’t a movie buff like me) and say “so, what did you think?” and she responds with “yeah, it was good” but that’s it! It’s the kind of movie that I buy on DVD/Blu Ray/Ultra Violet combo, but not until it drops 10 14.99 at Target. It’s the kind of movie that I’ll remember, and I’ll tell my friends to see it in theaters, but I won’t scream it from the mountain tops.
Now we’ve entered the territory of “It was alright”. A 6 on the meter means that I had no initial reaction to it. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad, it was just a movie that I went to. I walked out of the theater and when asked what my rating will be I respond with “I need to think about it”. These are the movies that could have been awesome, but fell short. They’re the movies that I liked, kind of, but didn’t LOVE. If I’m watching a movie in theaters or at home, and at any point check my watch, it gets nothing higher than a 6…that’s my rule. If at any point I am bored, or I lose interest, or I feel like it’s dragging, and I check the time, oh boy it’s tough to come back from that. It’s the kind of movie that I want to be good, but it just didn’t HIT me emotionally, it didn’t move me or surprise me. Shitty acting, I mean Megan Fox acting, that’ll land you on a 6 and unless the rest of the cast makes up for your terribleness, it’s hard to get higher.
Now we’re talking about movies that BARELY kept me in the theater. This is the kind of flick that I’m pissed about seeing in theaters, but wouldn’t be SO pissed if I had seen it on Netflix or Redbox. It’s that movie that you watch because the trailer made it seem like there was hope, and then you watch it and realize that EVERY awesome scene was IN THE TRAILER. It’s a movie that I hate reviewing because I don’t have much to say about it, I’m not so pissed that I tear it apart but I’m certainly not pumped about it either.
Now we’re in the “that shit sucked” category. It’s that movie that you’re definitely pissed about spending 12$ at the theater and wasting all that time. It’s a movie that you’ll recommend to someone, but ONLY if it’s on Netflix and ONLY if they’re somehow really into the genre or head over heels in love with the lead…otherwise, it’s a bust.
Here’s where a movie lands if I think it is a COMPLETE waste of time. These are the movies that I HATE. This is essentially everything from Michael Bay. Lens flairs, explosions, no depth, shitty acting, worse script and nothing flows. If it falls on a 3, don’t even waste your time.
WHAT!? This movie was actually screened in a theater? This is the movie that once those credits roll I’m mobbing up to the box office and I’m getting my money back. Call me an asshole, but I’m pissed my money went to such horrible film making and I cannot be one to support it. It’s that movie that you and all your friends just talk shit about endlessly, the kind of movie that you’re embarrassed FOR the poor saps in Hollywood who thought it was a good idea.
Shouldn’t have ever been a concept. The kind where I brand it “the worst movie ever” for weeks on end until I’m finally over the fact that I wasted so much of my life watching something so disgraceful to the industry.